Misplaced Pages

Revision as of 08:15, 24 June 2005

It is reputed that I am a felching advocate.

I'd just like to go on record as saying that this rumour is true.

Your VFD for l0de radio hour is the action of a cowardly swine-dog. I wager you have never even heard the show.

Dear Sirs, It has come to my attention that some of you are distressed about pornographic links\crapflooding\trolling\lastmeasure\vandalism on your bbs\livejournal\blog\homepage\guestbook\place of work\home address. As the spokesman for the GNAA, I would like to express my deep condolences that our recent efforts were not enough to convince you to quit the internet forever, and stop polluting it with your disgusting little personalities. Please rest assured that we will not cease our efforts until the last of your kind has been purged from the net forever. In the meantime, there have been physical threats made to members of the GNAA, and I would like to applaud these threats, and offer you a chance to escalate them in a gentlemanly fashion. I believe it is the right of every man, woman, and Mexican to demand satisfaction from what they consider a personal attack on their honor. To extend this right to even you lowly idiots who have no conception of how to make anything more complicated than a drive-through order at taco bell happen in the real world, I am making a special offer to all of you. I will duel you, to the death. That is correct. I consider your recent threats a challenge, and will therefore defend my honor, and the glorious organization I represent, to the death. While I was almost certainly not personally responsible for whatever mild action you considered severe enough to threaten physical harm, please consider me as the champion of those who actually were. I will be more than glad to engage you on the field (or in this case, the boat) of honor. Here is my offer. As the challeged, I have the right to select the weapon, the time, and the place. I select rapiers, although, if it is your earnest wish, I will allow the duel to be conducted with katanas. I would advise against this, as I am exceptionally profficient in katana, and generally choose rapier to offer you a sporting chance. The place is on the deck of a sufficiently large boat, in calm seas on international waters. This will allow us to avoid annoying legal consequences, and free you of the worry of burial expenses, as your body will be quickly and unceremoniously weighted and dumped in the ocean. In the extremely unlikely event that you should manage to defeat me, you will be returned to land unharmed, and allowed to go on with your mundane and meaningless life without fear of reprisal. Another highly trained member of the GNAA will take my place as spokesman, and you may then elect to duel him as well, after a 90 day grace period. Because you are the challenger, there are certain coventions that must be followed. You will be responsible for the following expenses: My first class travel and lodging, rental of and fuel for the boat, the pay of the crew, your own personal travel to a location to be disclosed where you will be blindfolded, and your personal effects removed from you, (should you win, these will be returned to you via mail within two weeks time). I also require my time be compensated for, at a discounted dueling rate of one thousand pounds sterling per day, with a three day minimum commitment, as I must put all my affairs on hold to dispatch you. You must provide your own weapon, which will be searched for concealed transponders and unsportsmanlike modifications, but will otherwise not be tampered with. If anything of this nature is found on your weapon or on your person during our search (which includes a full body MRI, the cost of which you are also responsible for) you will be disqualified from the dual for lack of personal honor, and your deposit will not be refunded. Any involvement with authorities will similarly disqualify you (and we must note that YOU are the one initiating the violence, and that I am merely defending myself). You have my personal word that you will be dealt with in a just and professional manner during the whole procedure. It is my personal suggestion that in addition to the required monies, you also bring with you sufficient funds (you must use old-style non-microchipped bills) to provide for you a last meal, and the services of a skilled prostitute for your last night on earth. Gentlemen, it is my earnest hope that you will do the honorable thing, and either follow up on your threats, or recant them like the dog you are. In my declining years, these duels have become a rather enjoyable distraction from my standard routine as an incredibly wealthy GNAA spokesman. Below you will find the information on how to contact the GNAA, who will hold your dick for you while we arange the duel. Sic Semper Quibus! Sincerely, Sir Horatio Brunswick GNAA- http://www.gnaa.us