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Informal review of RMS Titanic

Lead

The lead is very important in determining whether readers read on, or turn off. It should flow smoothly and should not require that sentences be re-read to find the intended meaning. I can make some suggestions that might help in this area:

Her passengers included some of the richest people in the world, The words "rich" and "richest" have imprecise meanings, and carry pejorative overtones. I suggest "wealthiest" instead.

Thanks very much for taking this on. I've made this first change. Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

She also had a powerful wireless telegraph provided both for the convenience of the passengers and for operational use. I suggest: She also had a powerful wireless telegraph provided both for the convenience of the passengers and for operational use.

Done. Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

Outdated maritime safety regulations If the word "outdated" appears in the sources then it probably should be used. However, the expression outdated regulations implies that the regulations were once adequate but have grown inadequate over time due to subsequent changes and events. Regulations permitting too few lifeboats to carry all passengers and crew would never have been adequate. They would always have been lax, inadequate, deficient or unacceptable so I would suggest one of these words in place of outdated.

No, outdated is correct. The regulations were drawn up at a time when ships did not exceed a certain size and passenger capacity, and were perfectly adequate at the time. When much bigger ships were introduced the regulations were not updated to increase the number of lifeboats in proportion to the increased size of the ships. Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

Titanic called at Cherbourg in France. "Called at" is colloquial. Perhaps Titanic docked at Cherbourg.

I think "called at" is accurate in the context. Titanic didn't dock at either Cherbourg or Queenstown because she was too big. She anchored offshore instead and the passengers were taken to and from her by tenders. Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

Four days into the crossing is very important information and She was sailing is much less important but it occupies the start of the sentence. I suggest On 14 April 1912, four days into the crossing and about 375 miles south of Newfoundland, she hit an iceberg at 11:40 pm (ship’s time; UTC-3).

Agreed, done. Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

Many of which left the ship only partly full. (Ambiguous - whenever a lifeboat is launched it always leaves the ship only partly full!) I suggest many of which were launched only partly full.

OK, done. Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

The 710 survivors were picked up from lifeboats The expression "picked up" looks a bit colloquial. I suggest The 710 survivors were rescued from their lifeboats

I don't think that works either, to be honest; I've changed it to "were taken aboard from the lifeboats". Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

In its aftermath, public inquiries were held in Britain and the United States that led to major improvements in maritime safety. I suggest "In its aftermath, public inquiries were held in Britain and the United States that led to major improvements in maritime safety."

Done. Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

Lost their main bread winners I suggest Lost their primary bread winners.

OK, done. Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

Titanic has become one of the most famous ships in history, her memory kept alive by numerous books, films, exhibits and memorials. This sentence doesn’t match, or lead into, the remainder of the paragraph, which is about the wreck. It is a grand sentence and worthy to be the close of the lead section. I suggest it should be moved from the start of the paragraph to the end.

Agreed, done. Prioryman (talk) 23:53, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

Dolphin (t) 01:53, 5 March 2012 (UTC)

Background

Titanic was one of the three Olympic-class ocean liners I suggest "Titanic was the second of three Olympic-class ocean liners"

Harland and Wolff put their top designers on the project "Top designers" is a bit colloquial. I suggest their leading designers or best designers.

I suggest "It was overseen by Lord Pirrie, a director of both Harland and Wolff and the White Star Line; naval architect Thomas Andrews, who was the managing director of Harland and Wolff's design department; Edward Wilding, who was Andrews' deputy and responsible for calculating the ship's design, stability and trim; and Alexander Carlisle, the shipyard's chief draughtsman and general manager."

The final para contains the words He approved the design ... This isn't ambiguous because the sentence can only be referring to Ismay. Nevertheless, I suggest it should say "Ismay approved the design ..."

Dolphin (t) 05:24, 5 March 2012 (UTC)

All done. Prioryman (talk) 23:56, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

Dimensions and layout

Dimensions are given in feet and metres but displacement is given only in tons. Would it be appropriate to also give weights in tonnes?

Dolphin (t) 06:49, 5 March 2012 (UTC)

B Deck. It was where many Titanic’s passengers and crew made their last stand. Many of Titanic’s passengers and crew?

C Deck. It included the two well decks, the aft one of which served as part of the Third Class promenade. This should be either "the aft one served" or "the aft of which served".

D Deck. It says this was dominated by three large public rooms but only two appear to be named. This can probably be clarified by saying "the First Class Reception Room, First Class Dining Saloon and the Second Class Dining Saloon."

E Deck "predominately" should probably be predominantly.

F Deck with some Second Class cabins as well, plus crew accommodation. "As well" is colloquial. I suggest something like "was the last complete deck and mainly accommodated Third Class passengers. There were also some Second Class cabins and crew accommodation."

G Deck was the last complete deck that carried passengers and had the lowest level of portholes, just above the waterline. I suggest "was the lowest complete deck that carried passengers, and had the lowest portholes, just above the waterline." The comma after the travelling post office should be deleted. Dolphin (t) 01:28, 6 March 2012 (UTC)

All done. Prioryman (talk) 23:58, 7 March 2012 (UTC)

Engines, boilers and generators

The two reciprocating engines had an output of 30,000 hp. This is ambiguous – did each engine produce 15,000 or 30,000 hp?

there was a high suicide rate among members of the Black Gang. It should be clarified somehow that this is referring to marine firemen in general; not firemen on the Titanic. This was Titanic’s maiden voyage so there had been insufficient time to display a high suicide rate.

Steam entered the reciprocating engines at high pressure, but it didn’t "pass through at high pressure". This sentence can be improved by saying Low pressure steam leaving the reciprocating engines was fed into the turbine … …

There is no such thing as on-board power. I suggest omitting "on-board".

Their location at the rear of the ship meant during the sinking of Titanic they remained operational until the last few minutes before the ship went under. I suggest this be trimmed down to "Their location at the rear of the ship meant during the sinking of Titanic they remained operational until the last few minutes before the ship went under sank."

Dolphin (t) 01:51, 6 March 2012 (UTC)

All done. Prioryman (talk) 00:03, 8 March 2012 (UTC)

Passenger facilities

she could carry total of about 3,339 people. Should this be "a" total?

The sentence Her interior design was a departure … had typically been contains a mix of tenses for no apparent reason. Also, the comma is redundant. I suggest Her interior design was a departure from that of other passenger liners which were typically decorated …

The first para ends entering the hall of a some great house on shore. Either the "a" or "some" is redundant.

The second para begins There was a telephone system, … on the ship. This section is all about passenger facilities on RMS Titanic so "on the ship" is redundant.

The sentence The Café Parisien offered the best French haute cuisine contains a redundant comma.

They were accommodated in cabins accommodating between two and ten people … Use of accommodated and accommodating in such close proximity in a sentence is a bit clumsy. I suggest something like for between two and ten people or sleeping between two and ten people.

They were, however, much more limited in their washing and bathing facilities. It is unclear whether this sentence is drawing a contrast with First Class, or Third Class facilities on many other ships of the time. I suspect it is intended to draw a contrast with First Class so it might be better to say They were, however, much more limited than First Class passengers in their washing and bathing facilities.

During the filming of James Cameron’s Titanic in 1997, his replica of the Grand Staircase was ripped from its foundations … It would be good if this sentence could clarify whether this was intended by Cameron, or unintentional.

The film is described here as James Cameron's Titanic in 1997, although this is not the first mention of the film. The first mention is under Dimensions and layout, at the sub-heading B Deck. Dolphin (t) 01:58, 16 March 2012 (UTC)

Thanks, I've made most of these changes, plus some modifications to wording. I'm not sure about the Grand Staircase point - isn't it obvious that it was unintended? Prioryman (talk) 22:42, 20 March 2012 (UTC)

The article states that, during the real event, the entire Grand Staircase was ejected upwards through the dome. It is conceivable that James Cameron would have attempted to depict that in the film by arranging for the Staircase to be ripped from its foundations by the inrushing water.

However, the present sentence is ambiguous because it can also be interpreted as though the Staircase being ripped from its foundations was unintentional and that is what makes it sufficiently notable to warrant special mention. Dolphin (t) 06:06, 21 March 2012 (UTC)

Lifeboats

C and D are described as collapsible lifeboats C and D. At the second mention of A and B they are described as collapsible lifeboats A and B, but at their first mention they are described simply as except for A and B. I suggest the method of describing A and B should be reversed.

The sentence This gave Titanic the ability to carry up to 64 wooden lifeboats, contains a redundant comma. Dolphin (t) 02:22, 16 March 2012 (UTC)

Done. Prioryman (talk) 22:45, 20 March 2012 (UTC)

Construction, launch and fitting-out

It accommodated a number of mobile cranes and a separate floating crane … was brought in from Germany. I suggest that either the word “that” is added to make it that was brought in from Germany, or the sentence is divided into two – the second being It also accommodated a separate floating crane, capable of lifting 200 tons, brought in from Germany.

Steel welding was in its infancy, The comma after “infancy” is redundant.

The sentence Just before the launch a worker was killed when a piece of wood fell on him appears out of place. I suggest it could be moved in front of the previous sentence, or moved into the previous paragraph. Dolphin (t) 02:49, 16 March 2012 (UTC)

The fifth para says the Promenade Deck and Boat Deck were some 500 feet long. I think this application of “some” is a bit colloquial. “About 500 feet long” might be more encyclopedic. Dolphin (t) 11:25, 16 March 2012 (UTC)

Done. Prioryman (talk) 22:47, 20 March 2012 (UTC)

Sea trials

The sentence The trials had been delayed … it was clear and fair contains a mix of tenses for no apparent reason. I suggest it should be “The trials were delayed …”

A voyage of some 570 miles I think this application of “some” is a bit colloquial. “About 570 miles” might be more encyclopedic.

T. left Belfast at 8pm on Monday 2 April and traveled 570 miles to Southampton, arriving at about midnight. Presumably she took about 28 hours to reach Southampton, arriving just before midnight on Tuesday 3 April or just after midnight on Wednesday 4 April. The date of arrival should be clarified to avoid the impression that T. covered 570 miles in 4 hours. Dolphin (t) 03:06, 16 March 2012 (UTC)

I assume the distance of 570 is statute miles even though it is referring to a sea voyage. Elsewhere in the article distances are given in nautical miles with conversions to statute miles and kilometres. Dolphin (t) 05:24, 17 March 2012 (UTC)

Changes made. The distance of 570 miles should have been given as nautical miles; I've made this change too. Prioryman (talk) 22:53, 20 March 2012 (UTC)

Passengers

There were 107 children in all, "in all" is colloquial and redundant. Dolphin (t) 05:15, 17 March 2012 (UTC)

Done. Prioryman (talk) 22:54, 20 March 2012 (UTC)

Departure and westbound journey

I found the para beginning After leaving Queenstown T. followed the Irish coast a little confusing because it begins with factual information and then changes almost unnoticed to information about where the ship would have gone had it not struck the iceberg. The final sentence in the para says T. only sailed a few hours past the corner … I think it would be an improvement if this sentence could be worked into the para a sentence or two earlier than its present position. I can suggest the following alternative wording:
"…where westbound steamers carried out a change of course. Titanic only sailed a few hours past the corner on a rhumb line leg of 1,023 nautical miles to Nantucket Shoals Light when she made her fatal rendezvous with an iceberg. The final leg of the journey would have been 193 nautical miles to Ambrose Light and then finally to New York Harbor."

The next para begins The next three days passed without incident which is very confusing chronologically, relative to the previous para. I suggest this sentence should be changed to say something like "The first three days out of Queenstown passed without incident."
Dolphin (t) 01:47, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Reworded per your suggestions. Prioryman (talk) 22:57, 20 March 2012 (UTC)

Sinking

There was only enough space in the lifeboats for a third of her maximum number of passengers and crew. On her maiden voyage, T. carried many fewer than the maximum number of passengers. It would be an improvement if this sentence were replaced by, or supplemented by, comment about how many of the occupants could have been accommodated in lifeboats. (I calculate about 53% could have been accommodated – 1178 places in lifeboats and 2224 people aboard.)

The severed bow section headed for the sea bed ... This is an interesting and colourful expression but I think it is unencyclopedic.

... while the stern remained afloat for a few minutes longer Later in the article, under Wreck, it says: The team discovered that Titanic had in fact split apart, probably a short distance under the surface I know the exact mechanism and timing of the split is unknown but some attempt should be made to make these two statements more consistent.

Placing the clause (kept from drowning by their lifebelts) inside brackets is unencyclopedic. I suggest something like “… either drowning inside the sinking ship or kept afloat by lifebelts and freezing to death.” Dolphin (t) 02:13, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

OK, I've made various wording changes to address these concerns. Could you please let me know what you think? Prioryman (talk) 23:39, 20 March 2012 (UTC)

Homecoming of the survivors

This article is primarily about the ship, not the sinking. Immediately under the heading Maiden voyage it states The story of her sinking is famous, but will only be covered briefly here. For these reasons, I think the section Homecoming of the survivors doesn’t have a place in this article. It should be transferred to Sinking of the RMS Titanic or reduced in length.

The British Army’s newspaper, The War Cry, … The War Cry is the official news publication of The Salvation Army, a religious organisation. Dolphin (t) 02:25, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Investigations into the disaster

The US Senate initiated an inquiry into the disaster on 19 April … Syntax – the disaster did not occur on 19 April! I suggest “A day after Carpathia arrived in New York the US Senate initiated an inquiry into the disaster.”

The second para is also about the Senate inquiry so I suggest the first and second paras should be merged. Dolphin (t) 02:34, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Role of the SS Californian

This article is primarily about the ship, not the sinking. Immediately under the heading Maiden voyage it states The story of her sinking is famous, but will only be covered briefly here. For these reasons, I think the section Role of the SS Californian doesn’t have a place in this article. It should be transferred to Sinking of the RMS Titanic or reduced in length.

Captain Lord had retired at 1:30 pm Elsewhere in this para the past tense is used. The word “had” indicates a different tense. Unless there is a good reason for this mix of tenses the word “had” should be removed.

Frankfurt notified the operator or Titanic’s loss, This appears to be the first mention of Frankfurt. There should be some clarification of who, or what, is Frankfurt. Dolphin (t) 02:45, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Retrieval and burial of the dead

This article is primarily about the ship, not the sinking. Immediately under the heading Maiden voyage it states The story of her sinking is famous, but will only be covered briefly here. For these reasons, I think the section Retrieval and burial of the dead doesn’t have a place in this article. It should be transferred to Sinking of the RMS Titanic or reduced in length.

The first para has some problems for the first-time reader. In mid-May 1912 RMS Oceanic recovered three bodies … Could this be changed to: "Shortly after Titanic disappeared Fifth Officer Harold Lowe and six crewman rowed their lifeboat back to those in the water with the intention of picking up survivors. They found Collapsible A with a female and three dead bodies aboard. They rescued the female but left the dead bodies in Collapsible A. In mid-may 1912 RMS Oceanic found Collapsible A over 200 miles (320 km) from the site of the sinking. The lifeboat contained three dead bodies and the crew of Oceanic buried them at sea."

I think the final para could be improved by re-arranging the sentences as follows:
"Bodies recovered were preserved for transport to Halifax, the closest city to the sinking with direct rail and steamship connections. A large temporary morgue was set up in a curling rink and undertakers were called in from all across Eastern Canada to assist.(ref name="funeral ship" /) The Halifax coroner, John Henry Barnstead, developed a detailed system to identify bodies and safeguard personal possessions. Relatives from across North America came to identify and claim bodies. About two-thirds of the bodies were identified. Unidentified victims were buried with simple numbers based on the order in which their bodies were discovered. The majority of recovered victims, 150 bodies, were buried in three Halifax cemeteries, the largest being Fairview Lawn Cemetery followed by the nearby Mount Olivet and Baron de Hirsch cemeteries. Some bodies were shipped to be buried in their home towns across North America and Europe."((sfn|Eaton|Haas|1995|pp=244–5))

My final sentence would be better as "Some bodies were transported for burial in their home towns across North America and Europe." Dolphin (t) 03:16, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

The majority of recovered victims, 150 bodies, were buried in three Halifax cemeteries This section says 333 bodies were eventually recovered. Can 150 bodies really be described as the majority of recovered victims? Dolphin (t) 11:59, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Wreck

... over 12,000 feet (3,700 m) below the surface, in a location where the water pressure is over 6,500 pounds per square inch The water pressure is 6,500 psi everywhere at 12,000 feet below the surface. Mention of a location may imply that water pressure somehow varies with latitude and longitude. I suggest this sentence is changed to something like "over 12,000 feet (3,700 m) below the surface in a location where the water pressure is over 6,500 pounds per square inch." Dolphin (t) 11:10, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Films

The tragedy of the Titanic have inspired books and films Titanic is singular so it should say has inspired. There should be a comma after films. Dolphin (t) 11:14, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

I've not got as far as the sections under "Legacy" (this section and the ones after it) and am going to rewrite them from scratch anyway. Prioryman (talk) 23:51, 20 March 2012 (UTC)

Legends and myths

declared her unsinkable only virtually unsinkable There should be a comma after "only". Dolphin (t) 11:17, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Memorials and museums

Queenstown was the final port of call for the liner as she set out across the Atlantic I suggest "before she set out across the Atlantic". Dolphin (t) 11:28, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

100th anniversary commemoration

intending to stop over the point on the sea bed where she rests on 15 April 2012 I suggest refining the syntax of this sentence by changing it to "intending to stop on 15 April 2012 over the point on the sea bed where she rests." Dolphin (t) 11:28, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Lead (re-visited)

She carried over 2,200 people – 1,316 passengers and about 900 crew. When I first read this sentence I assumed it meant that when T. was fully loaded she would be capable of carrying over 2,200 people. I now know it means that on her maiden voyage she carried over 2,200 people (but was not fully loaded.) This paragraph includes the comment that T. was the largest ship afloat at the time - to illustrate this I think this sentence should describe the number of people T. was designed or approved to carry, not the number on the maiden voyage.

The 710 survivors were taken aboard from the lifeboats by the RMS Carpathia a few hours later. Despite the repair work done on this sentence it is still a bit clumsy. What do you think of the following: “The 710 survivors were all in lifeboats and were taken aboard the RMS Carpathia a few hours later.” Dolphin (t) 11:46, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Commas

The primary author of this article seems to have had an aversion to longish sentences because many of the sentences have an unnecessary comma planted in the middle to invite the reader to pause mid-sentence. I have drawn attention to the more conspicuous commas but there are many remaining. The article would benefit from someone going through it just to scrutinise all the commas and delete the redundant ones. Dolphin (t) 11:46, 19 March 2012 (UTC)