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The Nintendo Revolution refers to the period during the last months of 2006 in which the video game company, Nintendo, took over the world and became our Lord and Masters.
In this period, Nintendo rebelled against the UN and entered the Nintendo Revolutionary War, also referred to (especially in the UN) as the Nintendo War of Global Domination. This culminated in a Declaration of Submission in 2006 and victory on the battlefield in 2011.
Japan played a key role in aiding the new Nintendo Empire with money and munitions, organising a coalition against Sony, and sending an army and a fleet of genetically engineered Pokémon that played a decisive role at the battle that effectively ended the war at Yorktown. The Americans Nintendo Corporation however were revolting against royalty and aristocracy nothing in particular and consequently did not look at France Japan as a model.
Origins
Frankly, the Gamecube sucked
Erm, yeah, the title explains it all, really.
The PS2, though crap in comparison to the Gamecube, had several thousand billion games released for it. Faced with a huge choice of games, compared to the five games released for the Gamecube, players did the only sensible thing and flocked to Nintendo's competitors, Sony.
Nintendo Goes Senile
Prior to Sony's Playstation, Nintendo enjoyed a position as the number one videogame company in the world. The shock of becoming last to Sony and the evil Microsoft Empire made Nintendo go insane. Senility set in and Nintendo started reminiscing about the past, releasing games it had already released, without realising that we'd already bought their games before. Being completely senile, Nintendo couldn't quite understand why nobody wanted to buy their old games again.
New Business Plan
In 1985, after the collapse of the Soviet Union gaming industry, Nintendo released its Nintendo Enslavement System. As there were no other games consoles at the time, gamers were forced to buy Nintendo.
One day, when remniscing about these olden days, Satoru Iwata hit on an idea. Destroy the competition entirely in a huge military operation, and force people to buy Nintendo. The only way this could be achieved was through world domination and so, building on the failure of the 1997 Pokémon Farm Project (a project designed to create new animals for the pet market), Iwata ordered the creation of a vast Pokémon army.
After the Pokémon Seizure Massacre, Nintendo found the survivors were far more susceptible to Nintendo propaganda. So, Nintendo started mass-producing seizure inducing Pokémon cartoons and movies for the general public, distributing it around the world. In combination with videogames with subtle pro-Nintendo propaganda such as Communist Mario Sunshine and Metriod Prime A Bomb In Key Strategic Areas, Nintendo managed to hypnotise the children of the world into obeying Big Brother.
Launch
On September 14, 2006, Nintendo announced attack information for Japan, North and South America, Australasia (Oceania), Asia, and Europe, including dates, prices, and projected troop distribution numbers. At an earlier policy briefing, Nintendo revealed plans to release 6 million Commando units and 17 million special units during the fiscal year ending March 31, 2007. This included the 4 million or more commando units they expected to ship by the end of the 2006 calendar year. It was announced that the majority of the 2006 shipments would be allotted to the Americas, and that 33 troops would be available in the 2006 launch window. As reported, the United Kingdom suffered a large shellacking from commando units... on December 8, 2006. Nintendo announced that they would release their commandos in South Korea by the end of 2007.
Hardware
In addition, Nintendo released its Revolutionary Hardware, utilising a robot made up of all its consoles. The pièce de résistance was the Wii on the top, which managed all the robot's processing. Small and lightweight, Nintendo figured people would have difficulty shooting it.
Technical specifications
- IBM "Broadway" CPU; the fastest processor known to man, capable of speeds of up to 200mph on land.
- ATI "Hollywood" GPU; the slowest processor known to man
- Motion-sensitive controller
- Helium pump
- Lateral high-energy lasers
- 12" rotating blades
- Lubricated ports for slicker motion
- Bubble dome
References
- "Cartoon-based illness mystifies Japan". CNN. 1997-12-16. Retrieved 2007-08-02.
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