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Linkin Park is the codename of a covert group of advanced scientists from around the world who have been performing experiments at the Sound Institute aimed at inventing a reliable audio-weapons system since 1997. Led by Professor Michael Shinoda, junkie Chester Bennington, awesome-o Rob Bourdon, and physicist Joseph Hahn. They first invented SuperXero in 1997, but no one respected their idea, then these academics published their newer findings and the first formulas they invented to explain them in October 2000. Their revolutionary new idea was called Hybrid Theory. They are the sworn enemy of My Chemical Romance. The first war was led by Mike and Phoenix (aka Feenux aka the bastard who can't spell) and Linkin Park won at the battle of Emo-town. The second war is being fought out right now. (This war is known as Projekt Revolution.) The logic behind their success is simple, yet unfathomable: ${\displaystyle {(MrHAAAAHN+Prof.Shinoda+Prof.Bourdon)+3(weirdo)}(noise)(emolyrics)=kaching}$

Hybrid Theory

The premise of Hybrid Theory is very complicated, but only if you're a total retard. Basically, it first assumes that people who listen to extremely loud music are likely to have damaged hearing. It also assumes that people who listen to really stupid music are likely to become really stupid. Most of their experiments were aimed at finding the stupidest possible combination of sounds that were just barely within the parameters of what could be called music by most teenagers to become ammunition for their audio-weapons system, which was then turned backwards to check for Satanic messages and released as Warner Brothers cartoons records.

To create the most damaging music possible for their new audio-weapons system, they had to go outside the established parameters of the music industry and hire Mike Shinoda, who can actually read music. After observing these ghostwriters, the scientists of Linkin Park settled on a musical style that was a hybrid between the two best kinds of music known to man: Hip Hop and Nu Metal. This is why their idea was called "Hybrid Theory". Yes, they like boys.

High Voltage

High Voltage is the power source of the audio weapons system's core. It comes at you from every side. It was invented when Professor Shinoda was digging in the crates. This was back when he was living in space - before the rat race, and before monkeys had human traits.

First, he mastered numerology and big-bang theology, and then he began performing lobotomies with telekinetic psychology. Being a somewhat religious and sentimental man that likes to nurture (as evidenced by his appearance in some music videos in a church), he invented the mic so he could start blessing it and began chin-checkin’ kids to make his point like an impressionist.

Many other men have tried to shake Linkin Park, but they twist Mike into double helixes and show them what he’s made of. This buckles his knees like leg braces and makes him say strange things like "instrumental-ness" and because of that, all of the emcees they hate him because he's not into that fake Karaoke copy bullshit, so he breaks their bones verbally with sticks-and-stones tactics.

Biographies

Professor Michael Shinoda was raised as a classical ice skater. Then he was inspired by trainspotting - not the sport, but rather the Danny Boyles film. After that, he was hooked on music. He ate music, he slept with music, and he bathed in music. After years and years training to produce the ultimate sound, he found it. With the help of Demolition Specialist, Brad Delson, he found the right amount of "epic depth". Mike took a break, and went to art school. There he met Joseph Hahn. Joseph Hahn was good at art, but then Mike made him buy a turntable. Joseph Hahn was actually once casted for the role as Vegeta in the anime "Nine Thousand", but instead the job was given to Howard Dean. Rob Bourdon, who is awesome, also founded Linkin Park. Feenux was a guy in his dorm or something.... Chester was a guy who was on drugs most of his life. Shinoda recruited him because he wanted someone to scream. Thus the band was formed. Linkin Park existed.

Band Members

There are six members of Linkin Park:

• Professor "Chester" Bennington (AKA Chester "Antelope-with-its-nuts-caught-in-a-vice" Bennington) or Chestycough Benylin- Has been known for his distinguished dick that he often sucks. He likes purple pussy. An emo who has been emo ever since his childhood; he screams one time, and then becomes soft, then he starts a Hitlerist speech in his songs - it was tough to get the Jews to like him. He taught Holocaust subjects in a very antisemitic way during his days as a Professor of Holocaust studies. He then became a Nuclear Scientist at the University of Linkin Park (before they tore it down and made it into a series of Christian Punk and emo rock bands) and began adding emo tones in Linkin Park's nerdy gangsta rap and DJ hit songs. Prior to Linkin Park, he sang songs about heroin with his previous scientific group, who had a plan to make a gas that made whomever smelt it high. It was called Grey Daze. Recently, he was claimed by a U2 cult to be the long-lost brother clone of Bono.

• Professor "Mike" Shinoda - A 50 cent, MIMS wannabe whose dad (who was a cheap Japanese gangsta) fucked a Russian whore (because he felt emo). He fucked the whore so long (long enough that the members of his family wondered if he went off to take the SAT and get into a four year study at Harvard) that he and the whore gave birth to Mike Shinoda, half Native American and half Japanese. After the Pimp managing the whore helped give birth (the pimp was the doctor), he bitchslapped her so hard that she died. Mike's father then abandoned Mike and got killed by his own family member and fellow nerdy gangstas. Mike grew up to be a gigolo (a male prostitute) who was managed by the same pimp. Then he escaped when he was ten to join a gangsta group. Mike preferred the black type gangstas to the nerdy Japanese; after he listened to some rap, he joined a black gang, and got accepted because he could talk black and tanned himself to make him a little black. How he became a professor, we don't know, he confesses he taught Afro-American Studies at Harvard and then joined the University of Linkin Park, he does nerdy gangsta rap, and manages his own nerdy gangsta rap band with Christian blues band Jay-Z in it. But still, nobody can tell shit from Shinoda.

• Dr. (or Prof.) Joseph Hahn - Proved many things wrong and right. As mentioned earlier, a renowned physicist. Once debated Stephen Hawking (and totally kicked his ass) using a device similar to Prof. Hawking's box thingy that talks for him. (this device can be seen in live footage of Linkin Park. at least, I saw it when I saw them live.) Also proved the anti-Asian coolness theory wrong. (this theory had been proven wrong by Jackie Chan, Jet Li, and Tiger Woods, yet until Mr. Hahn contributions had been made a small scientific sect still believed in it. this sect was comprised of Vanilla Ice... and no one else.) Prof. Hahn also goes by the alias Chairman Hahn, as in his spare time he keeps an iron fist on communist China, while wearing a fluffy hat. Prof. Hahn is currently being awesome somewhere in Australia.

• Dr. Mr. Prof. Sir Brad Delson - Not actually any of those things, he just wandered in asking for change one day. Mindlessly plays the same notes over and over again because the others force him to, and beat him if he doesn't. Will sometimes scream 'bradical!' until Prof. Mike hits him with a guitar, then Prof. Rob throws acid at him. He also wears stupid huge-ass headphones that Chester made for him, in exchange for his soul.

• Dr. Dave Farrell - Sometimes called "Phoenix" or "Feenux" because the bastard can't spell. He plays bass or guitar, one of the two. You don't need to know beacuse he's a fucking moron who has a phoenix tattoo on his back. Oh, he left the group before Hybrid Theory because he was tired of stripping in front of Jay-Z. He later came back because he missed abusing Brad and being raped by Jay-Z. His interests include putting buckets on his head, eating egg nog with his finger, and being a general idiot.

• Professor Rob Bourdon - The coolest guy out of all these bastards, he wears an awesome hat while playing the drums. He also has an awesome goatee. He is known to be the youngest and most serious guy in the band. He totally kicks all the other members' asses with his shoes if they tell him to do something, especially Brad. He, with Shinoda and some other guy, founded Linkin Park.

• Sir Mark Wakefield - No one has a clue as to who the hell this guy is, but apparently he was in Linkin Park, before being kicked out in favour of Chester because of a child molestation incident involving yo moma and Mike.

Reanimation, Meteora and Projekt Revolution

After much initial critism, they decided to publish several more theories to explain apparent gaps in the original one. They succeeded in reanimating the project but were distracted by a bug in their new weapons system: some astronomical interferance caused by meteors. This resulted in a new formula to overcome this difficulty, called "Meteora". This "Meteora" was often also referred to as Hybrid Theory #2. They used all of the same formulae and calculations in this theory, but slightly changed the name. Then they set up a world tour, with other fellow researchers. They called it "Projekt Revolution." Since the band is like 2/3 asian, they didn't know how to spell "Project" properly. They have had 3 such tours so far, in 2003, 2004 and most recently 2007. In 2007 the "project" was co-owned by another group, one which specialises in being more emo and making potions that kills the one you truly love, then makes them rise from the dead every time the House of Wolves holds a "Black Parade". This potion is called My Chemical Romance.

Sadly, older potions discovered were lacking style and included Mudvayne, KoRn, Adema, Cypress Hill, and Blindside.

Collision Course

They still weren't happy with how intelligent their theory was so they decided to dumb it down so that even poorly educated ginger kids could understand it, but being so fucking ginger they couldn't. After performing some very complicated algebra that is beyond the scope of this article, and having Jay-Z stand there and say 'yeah' and 'uh-huh' like the useless fucker he is, the entire Linkin Park Theorem boils down to this simple equation:

${\displaystyle LP+JZ=MTV}$

There was also something about gingers. Sorry Ryan.

The New Weapon is Deployed

In July 2005, the military deployed the weapon in a top-secret secure facility called Fort Minor, the location of which is still classified. The test was reportedly successful. It was later on when the name of the project was recognized, the Rising Tied(as you can see once again, they spelt it improperly because Pr. M. Shinoda was head of this project, and he's asian). It was a series of experiments done to gangsters to find the precise frequency to turn them into, "Linkin Park" fans. That's why Professor M. Shinoda assembled a team of rogue special co-op drop outs for hire, named Styles of Beyond, which was originally a name for a failed designer show, which was replaced by Project Runway. Styles of Beyond added the right amount of Gangster to a given amount of metallic emo-rap.

Minutes to Midnight

Construction began on a new doomsday weapon in 2005. Codenamed "Minutes to Midnight" and completed in 2007, it featured a new set of formulae.

In an interview with one of those sites we never bother looking at, but somehow we found out this information, Professor Chester Bennington announced its music style through his newly found tears. "We are pulling away from that gospel music. We've always been a special kind of band and I think we really show that here. We're aiming to have the exact same music as Arcade Fire." Mike Shinoda then added, "Fuck yeah! We're gonna be so fucking messed up! Our music will be so fucking insane! Everyone will fucking love it! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! FUCK!."

As it turned, not all of them they did. Many students were embittered about about how their beloved LP had turned to such soft, sad whining, as opposed to, well, loud, angry and emo whining.

Linkin Park in Popular Culture

• The music for 99% of Anime Music Videos consists of Linkin Park. In their project "Breaking the Habit", the whole project was shown in Anime Form, and extremely hard to deciper other than the premiere use of the vocalist explaining the project while falling up and down a building.
• Their new project "What I've Done" was featured in the movie/documentary/propoganda poster: Transformers

Discography in a Nutshell

• Hybrid Theory EP: A guy rapping, a guy screaming and a guy with turntables.
• Hybrid Theory: A guy ra- wait, didn't I already do this one?
• Reanimation: Remixes of Hybrid Theory
• Meteora: Actually just Hybrid Theory again
• Live in Texas: Hybrid Theory and Meteora on a stage
• Collision Course: Hybrid Theory and Meteora with some other idiot rapping.
• Minutes to Midnight: Not Hybrid Theory. This album was instantly panned by many people for not being Hybrid Theory.

Fun fact

• Annagrammed, the band's name spells 'link-in krap'. This refers to the band's habit to link heaps of crap songs together into shit albums.
• Another anagram is 'karp in kiln', which refers to Chester's hobby of preparing and cooking fish with pottery equipment.
• Linkin Park are really Limp Bizkit. It's true.

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