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- The Independent Sovereign Kingdom of the Northwest South Sandwich Islands and Tributary Lands (ISKNSITL) ruled the southeastern portion of several of the lesser Sandwich Islands from late antiquity until the 1806 dissolution of the Holy Roman Empire.

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The Independent Sovereign Kingdom of the Northwest South Sandwich Islands and Tributary Lands

- - The origins of the Independent Sovereign Kingdom of the Northwest South Sandwich Islands and Tributary Lands are clouded by the mists of time and legend. For many centuries, Sandwichians and even scholars have believed the ISKNSITL to have been founded by a group of Vikings who had wandered woefully off course. However, recent genetic testing reveals the majority of the South Sandwich population to be descendants of the Litchensteinian peoples of central Europe. The exciting 1977 archeological discovery of a stone tablet bearing the inscription “I claim this molehill for the Independent Sovereign Kingdom of the Northwest South Sandwich Islands and Tributary Lands – Francis Pibckadoperen – 5 August, 288 B.C.” firmly established that the Kingdom had been founded no later than 5 August, 288 B.C.

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The First Urantian Dynasty (111 B.C. – 46 A.D.)

- - King Clover I (reigned 111 B.C. – 84 B.C.) is the oldest ISKNSITL monarch of whom records exist. He was also the first Urantian king. The Urantians were one of a dozen or so family clans competing for power during the second and third centuries B.C. The 111 establishment date marks Clover’s consolidation of these clans under a single ruler, following the infamous “bloodless war,” a brutal game of one-upmanship during which clan leaders attempted to make each other “lose face” and, in turn, power over their families and vassals. “Losing face,” in accordance with age-old Sandwichian custom, could mean anything from failing to get a good laugh from one’s subjects after a solid gag to the dressing of one’s ox in the trappings of an orthodontist.

- - By 111, Clover’s only competition was the strongly-Hellenized prince Potiamian, who maintained iron control over his people through strict rules concerning gerunds, the improper use of which could result in death, or worse. In a face-losing contest, Clover tricked Potiamian into performing unnatural acts with sea bass. This glorious victory sealed Clover’s status as first among unequals and gave him to right to sit at the head of the famed Sandwichian Octagonal Table.

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Democratic Interregnum (46 – 346)

- - The Urantian Dynasty lost power when upon his death King Clover IV ½, “The Lune,” left the Kingdom to his eighty-seven cats. A radical democratic faction fooled the cats into chasing a “pack of mice” out of the castle. On closer inspection, the “mice” turned out to be the idiot Seeber’s torn tassles.

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Volkerwanderung (346)

- - The Barbarian invaders did not bother with the southeastern portions of the Sandwich Islands, primarily because their primitive maps portrayed the “end of Earth” some 3,800 miles northeast of the South Sandwich Islands. Distraught over the Volkerwanderung’s snub, the Second Urantian Dynasty ceded sovereignty for “three hundred and ye odde yeares” to the Everly family of Kensington.

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The Everly Dynasty (346 – 818)

- - The Everlys ruled with an iron fist, yet were loved by the people for bringing stability and for never bothering to leave Kensington to visit their Kingdom.

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The Third and Final Holy Roman Urantian Dynasty and Empire Gift Shop (846 – 1806):

- - The near thousand-year rule of The Third and Final Holy Roman Urantian Dynasty and Empire Gift Shop brought unparalleled stability to the Northwest South Sandwich Islands.

- - The 1734 ascension of King Krabaple “The Disgruntled” to the throne brought a new reign of terror upon the Sandwichians. As a mad expression of his absolute power, King Krabaple insisted upon shooting a peasant a day. Horrified by this idea, his minister of state dressed himself as a peasant and was shot. After a month and the succession of thirty ministers of state, one brilliant minister came up with the idea of filling the King’s gun with blanks and faking death.

- - In 1799, the revolutionary “Augustists” movement, a group of rebel Guards of the Royal Order of Urantian Mall Cops, attempted to overthrow the newly crowned King Moraneti. The movement failed for two reasons: (1) All of ISKNSITL is on holiday the month of August; (2) Urantian Kings do not arm their Mall Cops, primarily to avoid accidental shootings.

- - The end of the Independent Sovereign Kingdom of the Northwest South Sandwich Islands and Tributary Lands came in 1806, when the Holy Roman Empire dissolved. The Kingdom had signed a covenant with the Holy Roman Empire centuries earlier, and upon hearing of the dissolution of the Empire, ceded sovereignty to the Duke of Northumbrage’s mule.

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References

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Martin Saraband, ”The Vikings and ISKNSITL: A Reevaluation,” ISKNSITL Studies, Vol. 44, December 1937, 18-84.
Edgar Riley, ”The Pibckadoperen Inscription and its Implications for Northwest South Sandwichean Studies,” Archeology Today, March, 1978, 867-912.
Raymond Remond, “The Significance of Herring in Sandwichean Culture,” Journal of the South Atlantic Historical Society, February, 1994, 42-55.
William Wright, The Life, Times and Herring of King Clover IV 1/2, Penguin, 1962.
”The Everly Codicil,” ISKNSITL Studies, Vol. 56, June 1949, 162-167.
Anna Franpa, ”Mad King Krabaple and the Thirty Ministers,” ISKNSITL Studies, Vol. 74, December 1967, 34-82.
Toby Johansen, So Close to Glory: The Augustist Movement, Random House, 1988.

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