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(QYOU CAN SPELL I WHORE PAN FRY FROM THE NAME OPRAH WINFREY) (QSHE HAS LEARNED WELL THE WAYS OF TERROR AND MALICE.) (QEVERYBODY GETS A CAR!!!!!! EXCEPT FOR YOU! YOUR SOUL IS DIRTY WITH THE BLOOD OF CHILDREN!!!!!!) (QMY FINEST WARRIOR.) (QOPRAH SUCKS, LOL.) (QIF OPRAH WINFREY MARRIED DEEPAK CHOPRA SHE'D BE OPRAH CHOPRA) (QDAMN WOMAN! HOLDIN' IT DOWN FOR THE COMMIES? MAJOR PROPS!) Template:Q2 (QWHATEVER THIS FRIENDSHIP IS, IT'S BEEN A VERY FUN RIDE) (QSO ON THE SHOW TODAY..... HEY, THIS CHAIR IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, THERE'S SOMETHING STUCK TO MY BOTTOM - UGGGH IT'S RUINED MY DRESS) Template:Q2
Oprah Winfrey (b. April 1, 1337 as Orca Whinefrie) is the Anti-Christ, the Queen of Uglo-Americans, leader of the Federation of Furbies, a nigress, and is now more powerful than God. She tells people random crap and they believe her. Perhaps she is huffing kittens. The founder of Oprahism is a creature seeking world domination. Disguised as an innocent piece of fried chicken, most people are not aware of her evil, cunning, and manipulative nature. According to expert powerologists such as Nietzsche, she has superhuman powers; this would make her a super villain. Oprah has the amazing ability to give everyone in the room some stuff while claiming to be not materialistic. Unbeknown to many, Oprah also had an affair with a marshmallow (which didn't last as Oprah quotes, "Hell, he was just too damn TASTY!")and spawned the beloved Pop 'n' Fresh.
"Oprah gives an all new meaning to emotions! She is the first person to make a fifty year old man cry over spilling his milk… LITERALLY!" - manekz
She is Spawned
Born Orca Whinefrie, Oprah was forged in the mythical mountains of Limburg. During her formative years, she matriculated a comprehensive escape plan, so extraordinarily incomprehensible, that to this day nobody has any idea where she is. Fleeing and ruling over the village on the Island of L'aard, Oprah elevated the art form of queendom to heretofor unknown levels of ironic juxtaposition. It is believed a rogue band of vicious Jerry Springer fans attacked the island during her stay, inspiring her to pursue world dominance. Motivated and determined, she acquired a very sizeable sum of money by trading food stamps for money. Soon, her unstoppable reign began. When she was 565 she married Mr T. but annulled shortly after she refused to consummate her marriage by being tag-teamed by the A-Team on her solo molo. She is currently looking for a new life partner, preferably one from Argentina.
Oprah has many children. All of which have rabies, and are drugged every day to enjoy her show. As the great Oprah says: "Children are our future. I love children. I love them because they are small, and easy to pick up. They remind me of little deformed turtles when they are young. I like to eat babies. They taste somewhat odd though... I'm god."
Shit happens. Oprah is proof of that.
Oprah's Powers
The Human Stomach
Due to her love of eating immense amounts of anything, it is a mystery to people why she isn't incredibly obese. One day, she decided to eat an obese guest on the show which caused her stomach to rip open. Due to her regeneration powers that she received from snacking on a piece of Jesus' crap, her stomach fused with the rest of her innards. Now her stomach reaches out to almost everypart of her body except her vagina. No one or nothing would dare go near that. She can feed from nearly any part of her body, including her ass. When Oprah is PMSing this ability is extremely dangerous. Anyone who gets within 50 feet of oprah during this time is almost immediately devoured.
The power over Females of America
Oprah Winfrey has the devastating power to manipulate the reading, clothing and dieting patterns of every woman in America. The women of America (most of them) are blind to the true evil of Oprah. They can't see that she is slowly changing them, turning them into one of her slaves and will eventaully become part of Oprah's Army.
She Invests in Evil
Befitting her corrupt and hateful nature, Oprah invested this money in Viagra, Microsoft and The Bloody Spork stock, and recently bought 55% of Telstra. She now is drugging Barnaby Joyce so she can own the entire company and she has more money than both Bill Gates or Satan. She has been accused of having fat pumped into her ass. However, she responded to such rumours by replying "Yo bitches! This be 100% African ass! Y'all betta recognise!" Oprah then proceeded to devour a nearby KFC, leaving hundreds dead, and thousands presumed digested.
Around this time she accepted Cher as her apprentice and second in command. Together they did secret world dominating duets of "If I Could Turn Back Time," the songs of which have been programmed with subliminal messages urging you to loosen your bowel and let the brown flow. This plot was foiled, however, by a dash of shut the hell up, Oprah. Rumoured to have consumed a golden retriever while intoxicated, Oprah said she did it quote, "Just for the hell of it."
Late in oprahs 50's she was a circus clown. She was called the elephant. Many applauded her performance as she ate 5000 marshmallows but then she had a stroke which has forced her to be a crappy daytime TV hostess.
In 1987 Oprah established MoDOT as a way of inconveniencing everyone in the world while she was on vacation. It has now made Missouri the most inconvenient place in the world, and is working on elevating Kansas to its high standards of inconvenience. At about the same time, she built an army of evil robots who were destroyed by Mega Man.
Most recently, in 1992, Oprah joined the ghost of Attila the Hun, George W. Bush, Bill Gates and a small number of others in the formation of the evil Safeway Alliance. She remained a high ranking member for several months before Attila's ghost ejected her from the group upon hearing of her plans of taking over as Supreme Safeway Food Taster. She was promptly replaced by Horatio and the Loony Tunes and has been an enemy of the Alliance ever since.
Chicago residents suffered anal leakage after witnessing Oprah parading around the Sears tower molesting decorational phenomenon Nate Berkus with a strap-on dildo. This led to one of the biggest cases in justice as the meat packers of Texas framed her for queerploitation, as well as her alleged affair with catholic activist Madalyn Murray O'Hair. The ghost of Attila allegedly frowned upon this.
Since the year 1907, Oprah has been attempting to make contact with Lavos in preparation for obliterating all other life aside from her, the Great One, and the L'aardians. Many attempts have been made to reach Lavos. All of them have yet failed. Recently, she has taken a more sadistic approach, slaughtering kittens and dumping them into a hole which leads straight to the center of the Earth. The soil from the hole, thought to be chocolate-flavoured butter, has since been consumed by Oprah. About 20% of her total bank account goes into this 'plan'; the rest is dumped into free cars for housewives and buying orphans for a tasty midnight snack. She is now on bail.
According to Alan Markley, Oprah now heads the Oprah Gun Club with intentions of arming thousands upon thousands of femi nazi bitches like herself so women that want to grow a wiener and balls can take over the world. I mean come on people, who's going to take over the world when she dies? God? Ha, Ha.
Extensive evil scheming has led to Oprah's dependency on aspirin, a powerful narcotic that allows for the prolonged use of the Evil Cortex portion of the brain. Since Oprah's daily activities require quantities of evil well beyond the recommended daily value (the RDV of evil is 450mg), she has often sought to make aspirin more readily available to her by taking over the Three Awesome Aspirin-Givers (TAAGs). She has not yet succeeded, however, and still depends on the TAAGs for the sweet, sweet aspirin she needs to reduce the inflammation of her brain.
To make matters worse, in 1910 she preformed a hostile takeover onto a then unnamed and nonexistant television network. From there she quickly, over the course of 40 years, devised a way to massivly communicate her evil message onto TV, which was then invented. The result was the brainwashing "Oprah Winfrey Show" which was filled to the brim with subliminal messages, ravenous puppies, and "free*" cars. She then invented internet pop-ups and pornography. Currently the U.S. govrerment has been resarching on the use of her massive farting capacity in order to power future automobiles. and cut back of the need for foreign oil. Results look highly promising, an estimate of around 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 volts of power being able to be produced from a single lethal blast of oprah gas.
The first experimental "Oprah Gas" power station is currently under construction in downtown chicago beside Harpo studios.
Foods
Oprah is known to eat over 666 tons of food every day. This includes several tons of raw sewage which she siphons from the sewers under her lair. With the recent hurricanes in New Orleans, she has a near endless supply of sewage and dead people. She also seems to feed on the dignity of African Americans--she's racist like that.
During her early days on TV, she'd accidentally eat audience members when she was having lunch. However, security guards on the side of the stage with electric cattle prods soon helped prevent the accidental ingestion of more audience members of the Oprah show.
The recent upsurge in the sale of fried chickens is credited to Oprah Winfrey. Her fiasco with the beef industry is actually a way to make people eat chicken more often then normal. This was even exacerbated by the least known fact that chicken companies subliminally stamped her image on the chicken cuts.
This is evidenced by the fact that when one jumbles up her name, "I Whore Pan Fry" comes up.
Icon
In 1991 Dr. Larry Bandana became sick after doing extensive research on Oprah's vagina. As the result of a lost bet, Bandana set out to count the number of pubic hairs standing proud on Oprah's taco. Dazed by the smell he climbed inside her where he continues to write recommendations to the evil mastermind Karl Rove. He maintains contact with the outside world by kicking Oprah's stomach. She reportedly likes this. Or does she...?
Diet
Oprah Winfrey often eats small children, babies that are ripe with cancer, entire flesh eating bovines, little animals and Gary daily. These acts are supposedly part of her "community-service" regime, but she taxes the victims before she eats them, so they are so impoverished that they are begging for the death she so humbly provides. However, her favourite food is world peace, which she eats with a small smidgeon of human soul. She also consumes planets much like Galactus, and she ate the Earth's second moon as an appetizer one day, it is not known why. However, it is expected she found a high concentration of cream cheese on the celestial body, and was thus drawn to it like moths to a flame. Oprah is also known to eat everything in her sight with the possible exception of Dr. Phil.
Oprah is also the current headmaster/mistress/thing of the Judi Evans Luciano School of Not Losing Weight After Pregnancy.
Training as a Sith Lord
After she waddled away from home she attended Yale University where she joined the infamous and mysterious Spoon and Fork Club. It was here that she met Darth Nihilus who took her as his apprentice. Oprah was then renamed Darth Bovineus. She learned the ways of the Dark Side of the Force and became an exceptionally powerful Sith. Along with Darth Shaun, and Darth Mula, she hunted Jedi and cows to the brink of extinction. This dark past was mostly unknown until Oprah's last trip to Africa where she was caught on camera Force Choking an Ethiopian boy that was reaching for the last bit of glazed ham.
Doctor Phil
Six months, six weeks and six days after a night of incensed passion with the future Panzer Pope (while he was still in training as a tenderfoot cardinal), she still was unable to bear a baby (disregarding Pop 'n' Fresh as she ate him 5 minutes after giving birth. As she defends "Hell, he was so gooey and moist, succulent, round, plump, fluffy....*drooling noises on mike*). She thus sought out her friend Bill Cosby, and with his help she created Hitler. During his larval phase, he crouched under her couch, coming out one day of the week to do tricks for her audience. After defending her against the Bovine Hordes, however, he gained strength by sucking down the foetuses of six Texas Cattlemen, came out of his chrysalis, and fluttered off to start his own sect, where he dissects live evil babies and mothers before an entranced audience, with the able (if slightly manic) assistance of his family. Eventually, Hitler was sent out to win World War II. Upon his failure, Oprah was disgusted but eventually forgave him, and resurrected him (with the aid of Bill Cosby again) into his current incarnation as Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil was a regular guest on Oprah's show (with hopes of him bringing in a larger audience), but he progressively grew more tired of dealing with what he refered to as "Oprah's deluded ways of thinking" and, after being forced to marry her (his own mother), he chose, become a student of the venerable Pope Yoda, and began his own show, all in protest of Oprah. Oprah was initially enraged, but the two have since come to be on better terms with one another, with Oprah being a guest on Dr. Phil's show on several occasions (much to the horror of most Dr. Phil fans, who are former Oprah fans who renounced their allegiance to Oprah after the bear incident (see below)).
The Bear Incident
She once killed a bear on live television, then ate its entrails while the audience looked on in horror, afraid to move lest they be the next target of consumption. The next day the subject of Oprah's program was how to deal with the trauma caused by watching talk show hosts eat bear entrails. There was much crying, and only a few casualties. She then spewed the bear up and ate it again, and again and again and again and again and again until the audience died then she ate the audience spewed them out and ate them again and again and again and again .
Oprah...in Space!
Oprah was carried into orbit on the specially commissioned, custom built Space Shuttlecock. There, she took part in a cartological mission to map her own celebrity and attempted to beam herself back to Earth via satellite, although she failed to reach the electromagnetic state necessary for succesful transmission. Oprah has, since her return, expressed her great pride at being the first wealthy African-American woman in space, and hopes that she will be able to return to space as she did not quite manage to take a space-dump over every single continent.
Oprah quotes in space include: "I totally shat on that country" and "What's up? MY BLACK ASS."
Existence of Stephen Colbert
Thought by physicists to the the opposite of Oprah (or the Anti-Oprah), this was later proven to be false by David Copperfield, a respected member of the scientific community and former Chief Diety of Pakistan. This still leaves no explanation as to where Stephen Colbert came from, so please, if you have any knowledge as to what he is, call now. Our operators are standing by and are ready to take your calls.
Attacks on Oprah
FARK
Many groups are opposed to Oprah, most notably the cult group Fark (who is also opposed to the Pope). Oprah has offered immunity from death when she takes over the world to anyone who can bring her the skins of dead Farkers.
He is Known as Strom, Son of Strom
Time and again, Oprah's plots were thwarted by the heroic actions of Strom Thurmond. The noble deeds of that proud African-American senator are the primary cause of the fanatical hatred of black people Oprah feels to this day.
The Kids in the Hall Puddin' Pool Incident
Wil Weaton was killed by "The Kids In The Hall" (under Orders from Oprah) while staging an attack on Oprah's Compound along with two other less important people.
The attack started at 3am with the first less important person shouting "OPRAH SHOW ME YOUR FLOPPY FUN BAGS!". Oprah did not comply with his request and sent out KITH Scott to sodomize him to death. The Second nameless attacker tried to stop Scott but was ambushed by Bruce, Dave, and Kevin who promptly ate the nameless attacker at their yearly feast in honour of those who came before.
Wil's death came at the hands of Mark who captured him and brought him to Oprah. Oprah then forced Mark and Wil to have 3 stage fight to the death, consisting of wrestling in Oprah's Puddin' Pool, A kitten hurling battle, and a slap fight.
Wil choked to death in the first stage and soiled Oprah's pudding pool when his bowels voided to Oprah's great displeasure. The Puddin' Pool is still closed for cleaning. In the meantime, all scheduled events are being held in the Masturbatorium.
No one has staged an attack since on her compound. It is rumoured that the Oprahsaurus has been roaming the grounds lately...
Optimus Prime
While in Kansas, Optimus Prime rises from the ashes and challenges the dark lady to a game of go. He almost defeats Oprah but Sindbad shows up and transforms into a doughnut, satisfying the evil ones lust for pastry. Megatron stares in awe as she devours Optimus' and goes wind surfing.
Sauron
By feeding her tainted meat, the Lord of the Dance Sauron infected Oprah with Q Bene Gesserit, the human form of Mad Cow Disease. Because one of the symptoms of Bene Gesserit is Spice addiction, Sauron's control of the Spice means she controls Oprah Winfrey, although Oprah does not realize this to be true. Sauron has strangely not taken advantage of her control of Oprah as of present. Most believe that Oprah's creation of Misplaced Pages scared Sauron to the point of forgetting that she even had the capacity of controlling someone as monstrous as Oprah.
The League of Extraordinary Grandmas
The League of Extraordinary Grandmas were originaly Oprah Winfrey's personal assassination squad until she replaced them with Tom Cruise a.k.a Darth Cruise. Furious, The League of Extraordinary Grandmas rebelled against Oprah and marked her at the top of their bounty list. Recently though, The League of Extraordinary Grandmas have cease to act against Oprah and are focusing more on confronting The possible lovechild of Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, who they consider to be a bigger threat.
Tom Cruise
In accordance with Sith tradition, Oprah trained her own apprentice, Tom Cruise, giving him the creative Sith name of Darth Cruise. Using her evil powers to brainwash him, Oprah planned to use Darth Cruise in her latest plan for world domination. As part of her plan, she revealed Cruise was her apprentice on live TV, but made the mistake of making a bad joke during her grand speech in which she told everyone about her evil scheme, like most super villains do. Enraged, Cruise cackled evilly and attempted to fry Oprah using Force lightning, shouting "Unlimited power!" as he did. Who won the fight is not known, as all the cameras were turned off shortly after the attack began, although both Cruise and Oprah appear to still be alive. It is believed the attempted assassination was coincided with Dr. Phil's new aquirance of force powers, which threatened Oprah's scheme.
Superman and Goku
In a co-op effort to defeat her once and forever demi-gods Superman and Goku attacked Oprah as she was eating her daily meal of Coco Butter, X-Box controllers and Human Souls. Unfortunately for them, and the rest of humanity, Oprah foresaw their attack and absorbed the bodies of Godzilla, the Spice Girls, your mum and that fat kid from Lord of the Flies, thus making her the most powerful and evil thing in the universe. Superman and Goku fought bravely but were unable to defeat 'The Abomination' as she later became known. But just as they were about to be killed Oprah's dessert meal of Panda burgers arrived, and they quickly fled.
The American Justice Coalition and Cloud Strife
Using Cloud Strife as a human shield, the American Justice Coalition worked together to defeat her once and for all. Whilst she feasted on Cloud's soul and his emo tears, the members of the AJC used all of their various talents to continually weaken and eventually defeat her, thus ridding the world of her evil for all time.
...or so they thought.
The Fremen
Tired of Oprah's reign of terror, the Fremen attacked Oprah, disguised as giant Bananaphones. Unfortunately, their staplerguns did not proof sufficient to penetrate Oprah's shield made of puppyfur and hair of a molding Bob Saget. Finding themselves severely overpowered by Oprah Winfrey and his/her/its assistant Darth Cruise, they fled, and took a jump through the Stargate, returning to their home, Sietch Tab'r, to make Panda burgers for her as a make-up gift.
Our Gang
A group of small children decided to enter Oprah's yard to retrive a ball they accidently threw in her yard. They got halfway to the ball when Oprah attacked them with the intention of feasting on their souls. "Mickey" quickly tookout a barreta and fired. But the bullets were useless and Pete the Pup had to evolve to his next stage, to fight off the beast. After a 15 sec. fight Oprah won and devoured Pete. During the fight they retrived the ball and got out. "Alfalfa" they switch to a safer sport, like Russian Roulette...
Albtatross Alliance
After 1797, when the world's albatross population got fed up trying to consume Cthulhu and declared war on all of humanity, there was considerable uncertainty whether Oprah could be classified as 'human' and therefore and 'enemy'. Three Councils were held to try and decided how to categorise Oprah, the first held in 1812 on the Chatham Islands. The Council ended without resolution after three weeks of debate. The main point of contention was whether she was near human (and therefore nearly an enemy) or a deity of some kind (and therefore irrelvant in albatross cosmology). A second council, The Council of Tristan da Cuhna, eliminated the possibility that she was a deity under the strained reasoning that no thinking creature would worship her (albatrosses, having no inclination to worship anything, fail to understand that some people will worship anything), but there was no quorum for calling her human either. It wasn't until the third Council, the Council of Kerguelen, that it was finally decided that she was neither human nor deity but instead simply an unusual marine mammal. Accordingly she was not an enemy in the Human-Albatross War, but instead simply a target for albatross piracy, and till this day Oprah is plaugued by albatrosses that steal her lunch every time she tries to eat seafood.
Warning
Do not attempt to harm Oprah in any way. In 1791, Oprah (on advice from Count Steadmond), consulted with the Pope and changed her bodyguard task force from the relatively tame band of rabid Canadians that had protected her during the colour purple riots of 2007. The Oprah's new task force is made up of a semi-elite squad of clinjas.
Towelie (pen name James Frey) , author of "A Million Little Feces" controversy
In January of 2006 Oprah was caught in a controversy over the book A Million Little Feces. She again ate a bear, who happened to be the interviewer. Afterwards she was so distraught over her relapse into eating bears again she kicked Towelie in the scrotum claiming his book got her off of the 12 step Bear Eaters Anonymous program. Unfortunately if Oprah had read the damn book she would have known it had more to do with kitten huffing and killing people on trains using super psychic thermal abilities. She might also have known the book was total crap, hence the name "A Million Little Feces". Anyway she then downed a bottle of Robotussen, 8 Marizine motion sickness pills, and a bottle of vodka. Afterwards in Lake Geneva Wisconsin she stripped naked, burnt down her mansion there, and ran through the streets singing "Smoke on the Water".
The ruling force over the land of Tamriel was angered by her success, they felt as though her one entity was pulling attention away from the nine of them, they could not have this. The nine guided her with an invisible hand, coercing every choice she made, into one that would draw her close to the gate. She found herself outside of Kvatch, wielding a chicken-wing, and a fur-shield, she plunged into the gate of oblivion. After killing the imperial guard within and looting his chainmail, she continued through. She arrived at a large ominous, black and red tower. She went inside. She was confronted by two stunted scamps and a daedric scout, she slaughtered them with a single swipe of her chin flab. She continued to traverse the tower, until she found the Sigil Stone, and closed the oblivion, her vision flashed white, and after seing visions of a loading screen, she was outside of Kvatch.. to be continued.
Oprah in Tibetan Cosmology
Tibetan sages say there has always been an Oprah and will always be an Oprah. Every cycle of the universe begins with a corruptive element - an Oprah - and this Oprah corruption ultimately destroys that cycle. Oprah then moves on to a new universe to begin again. Oprah has been born innumerable times and takes innumerable forms, but she is always present. Always, she waits for her time (the Oprahyuga) to strike.
The universal cycle generally has three stages:
- 1. Primal ooze. Oprah feasts! Then diets. Then she feasts again!
- 2. Industrial Revolution. Oprah usually clones Hitler or something.
- 3. Oprahyuga. Oprah creates a talk show and begins to insinuate herself into the collective subconscious. Soon she has her own magazine and her own television network. She begins dictating the food you eat and the books you read. Shortly thereafter, the universe dies an agonising heat death.
Look under your seats, people!
In a recent episode of Oprah's weekday television show Dawn Of The Dead...Live! Oprah Winfrey announced to her live audience that each of them would receive a brand new car. While these "new" cars received were of shoddy quality and would burst into flame for no apparent reason, and while some home viewers were dismayed to find that they were not the ones who would receive new cars, the event garnered much attention and fame, and led to the creation of a new national holiday, known as Oprahmas (pron. OH-pruh-miss).
Oprahmas, which is set in August (to relieve department stores of the fact that there are no holidays, and therefore no reasons to spend, in August...except for those depressing back-to-school sales), is fun for all. The week before Oprahmas Day, children all over the world would set up a gigantic chair in the living room, and decorate it with tinsel, glass balls, and bacon grease. On Oprahmas Day children sing beloved carols like "It's Raining Men" and "If You Wanna Be My Lover," before being sent to bed early, lest Oprah, who distributes gifts with her loyal elf Steadman, will violently scorn anyone who sees her and sit on anyone who comments on her weight. While the children are asleep, their parents get drunk and buy presents. Finally, on Oprahmas morning, children awake to find incredible gifts under the Oprahmas Seat, and there is fun, followed by awkward family reunions, for all. Oprah gives away things that usually do one of the following:
- Transform you into a scottsman
- Hypnotize you into joining her army
- If you are hot, have sex with her
- Turn you into a mindless-redneck zombie (a Dr. Phil clone)
- Have sex with her even if you're not all that hot
- Kill you, and all of the people around you
- Hug complete strangers on the sidewalk
- Explode
- Melt
- Operate perfectly normally...even when it's not turned on.
- Preform complex huging manuevers followed by ancient acrobatics
- Spasm uncontrollably while singing various songs by Culture Club
Traditional Oprahmas presents include:
- Cars
- Computers
- iPods
- Lavish things such as... dead kittens, the letter X, and a rabid beaver named snickers
- Nipples
- Posters of Oprah naked or in a bikini or in a suit of dead kittens
- Stuff picked up at 7-Eleven at 2 AM
- Used condoms
- Bottled fat from her liposuctions
- Herpes
- The Color Purple on DVD
- Tuesdays With Morrie on DVD
- Sheep entrails
- Son of a Bitch
- Big tasty steak with feces on it
- A cameltoe
- Jars filled with dandruff and nosehair clippings
- Poop in a box
- Dildo
- Lock of hair fetched from her pubic or anal region
- Lesbian Porn
- Michael Jackson
- Santa Clause's left nipple
- Canada
- Me
- 'Chic' fashion (see 'Uncomfortable Garments')
- Tuesdays With Morrie on VHS
- Tickets to The Color Purple on Broadway.
- The Color Purple on VHS
- The Color Purple Extended Oprah Edition on VHS
- The Color Purple on Betamax
- The Color Purple Extended Oprah Edition on Betamax
- The Color Purple on Laserdisk
- VHS on The Color Purple
- The Color Purple on Broadway, on Betamax
- The Colour Purple on UK DVD
- The Color Purple action figures
- The Color Purple Crunch Cereal (with human nipples that grow with milk)
- The Soundtrack to the Color Purple on 8-track
- The Soundtrack to the Color Purple on cassette tape
- The Soundtrack to the Color Purple on CD
- The Soundtrack to the Color Purple on mp3
- The Soundtrack to the Soundtrack of the Color Purple" on GIF...somehow
- Tuesdays With Morrie on Super 8
- Monkey Butlers
- A letter containing anthrax
- A Starving Rotweiller
- A Starving Rotweiller on Betamax
- Tickets to the extended Betamax version of Tuesdays With Morrie on DVD, featuring bonus footage of the Uncomfortable Garments VHS.
- Bird Poop
- Ear Buds
- Two Gays with Morrie (the gay porn film, not affiliated with Tuesdays with Morrie but still given away anyway)
- A rusty railroad spike covered in vomit
- "'Beloved on VHS' on DVD" on Broadway
- Butt plugs
- Gorrilas on PCP
The Oprah Mentality
Traditionally of the "I want, therefore I take" mind frame. If she wants something, be sure that she will do whatever has to be done in order to take it. Annoy her, and instantly climb to the top of her hate list. Appease her, and you will be allowed to bathe in her glow for the better part of 4 seconds, the time it takes her mind to flit to more meaningful topics like "that sink would go well with my Alsatians" or "I want a green drink today, because green is my mad colour" Another one of his various mentalities is the "Give and Run" this is a behavior that is curently being studied by leading physchologist Tara Reid Oprah believes she can cover up any crime or any atrocity with giving away gifts. Another example was the Car give away. What appeared to be a act of kindness was nothing more than shear evilness. Oprah gave away cars knowing that the audience members would have to pay tax on the cars. Suffering brings peace to the swirling void that is Oprah's mind. Long Live the Oprah! Viva la Oprah!
Oprah's Favourite Activities
Oprah's 2 favorite hobbies are suffering and pain. (mostly when inflicted on eagles which are endangered)
While Oprah does not conform to the definition of "not evil" in the traditional sense, she does tend to enjoy moderately nice things. On a good day, she has been found to be taking her rage out on dump trucks full of chocolate as opposed to dump trucks full of kittens and golden retriever puppies. This usually consists of a fierce destruction of the item(s) with a swift summoning of Cerberus, the 3-headed dog of Hell itself. After that, whatever remains is consumed and regurgitated, presumably to make room for more chocolate/puppies. \
Oprah enjoys spending time with her lesbian lover, Gayle King, and the whore One Armed Philly, also known as Phyllis Diller. Some believe that they are working on an even more heinous plan for Oprah to take over the country...and the world as we know it.
On a day when she's feeling angry, Oprah has been spotted bombing orphanages and missions in South America. One such incident in 1946 was provoked by news that her hourly shipment of paediatric cancer patients, her favourite labourers ("It's cheap and fun to watch," she says, "Besides, it's not like they were going to see their 8th birthdays anyway,") had to be cancelled due to a lack of living children in the immediate vicinity. As a result, she flew to Peru by way of Cthulhu and unleashed a fiery reign of destruction, killing 1,000 and injuring 20 times more. After descending onto the ruins and eating the charred bones of each and every orphan, she invited the least wounded and consoled them on her show.
Backstage, they suffered the same fate as their long-dead comrades.
Oprah plans with Dr. Phil and Tony La Russa to destroy the world in various ways possible every day. This is one of her favorite activities, next to eating people alive. This probably has been because of when Dickie Thon introduced the Nintendo Wii in 1992, causing the three to kill him for leaking classified information with that project. It turned out Thon was the courier for gay-hating Fred Phelps.
One of her favorite pre-show activities is giving lobotomies to the audience members rendering them incabable to think or have any free will. No free will or O-Will (short for Oprah's Will) is the most effective way to brain control people. Before she used more "Oprahasive" approaches such as feeding audience members to a Crevolist (half frog half bear) which lives in a cave underneath her show.
Boxing Career
Between 1963 and 1971, Oprah Winfrey was the HBO ECW WWF and SNES World Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World (except Costa Rica)
In 1963 on a cold and snowy night in Moscow she defeated Sylvester Stallone to become world champion, a defeat so comprehensive, that Stallone was forced to retire from boxing and become The President of Mexico. Winfrey defended her title a surprisingly low 9,201 times before losing to Santa Claus in a rematch in the Gobi Desert in December 1971
It is been said that she spars with Chuck Norris on occasion on the planet, Saturn. Though, if they fight for too long this may cause the universe to implode on itself.
She was last seen running away from Jackie Chan and Jet Lee for dishonoring them with a pair of chopsticks and rice under their seat
Production Company
Oprah's production company is called Harpo. A graduate mathematics student at MIT submitted a thesis last year speculating that the name "Harpo" was simply Oprah spelled backwards, but the nation's top mathematicians and Matt Damon have been unable to prove this controversial theorem.
THIS JUST IN!
Harpo is acctually discovered to be short for Harpooninatorlux 5015 her weapon of choice when hunting for dead babies in the arctic circle. She usually hunts between May and August, when the babies are the deadest, and then she gets back just in time for Oprahmas, so she can rake in the bucks and make it just in time for afternoon Tea
BILL COSBY
It is rumored that Oprah has a burning hatred for Bill Cosby because of the -155,000 BC conflict, Oprah approached Bill and screamed "Kids say the darndest things!" and lunged at Bill's knee (source of his divine power) Bill Cosby, completely immobilized bribed Oprah with her own TV show. With blood dripping from her fangs she agreed. This resulted in what we know today as gravity and Matt Damon.
JIMBO WALES Oprah has recently had a passionate love afair With Jimbo Wales and seduces him daily by murdering Mark Twain.
See also
- The country under the reign of Oprah!!!!
- The ONLY Religion
- The Other white meat
- A penis with a quest
- A gaint mole on the face of society. ONLY $19.95!
- Oprahism
- Evil
- Stupid
- One Armed Philly
- Apocalypse: The Acclaimed Motion Picture
- Satan
- Chinchilla
- Uglo-Americans
- Making up Oscar Wilde quotes
- Fark (Cult group opposed to Oprah)
- The Great Petco Blowup of 2005
- Strom Thurmond
- Spoon and Fork Club
- Numbers
- ∩
- Stephen Colbert
- Tom Cruise
- Edna the Great
- The Rubiks Time Cube
- Liechtenstein
- Adolf Hitler
- Dr. Phil
- Baby Eating
- Stakeout
- Oprah Winfrey's One Millionth Pound Lost
- Kwarliputra Family No. 7
- The huffing of kittens
- It's all about the O
- Kraft Dinner
- Condoleeza Rice
- David Letterman
- Atonement Special
- Oprah's Livejournal Club
- Opeth
- gravity scam
- Fine Young Cannibals
- Radio
- Battle of the Little Bighorn
- The Windu-Winfrey Conspiracy
- Maozilla
- Poop
- Ultra Oprah
- Compton
External Links
- Undoubtedly proof of the evilness of Oprah
- Footage of Tom Cruise's attempt to kill Oprah with Force Lightning
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